getting the cold shoulder

Pivotal through my darkest moments of frozen shoulder-land, was a Massage Therapist who named my pain. She called it Thoracic Outlook Syndrome, something she had just finished a continuing education course on. She told me the self-physio I was doing was great, and to stay on top of it.

I was working nights at the time in a place that was pretty quiet, so I could take short breaks for cigarettes. I was in so much pain and the break room at work had a Bowflex with the leg extension. There was also some kind of stair exercise machine which was pretty nice, it started slow and you could work up some pretty good speed…

I think I started at 30 seconds cause I was in such poor shape. But I was in so much pain that life felt not worth living, so I was very determined to get out of pain. Lots of people asked me if I ever thought about just accepting the pain and living with it. And I said no. I definitely thought about dying all the time with that pain, and so I was extremely obsessive about getting out of pain.

I stretched my body and focused on motility. I used principles of yoga to teach myself to try and feel equal in all areas. I went very very slowly. I was descending into absolute insanity and madness. Alone, although I was living with roommates, I really felt that nobody understood my position. My desperate depression clawed at me constantly and my shoulder was on absolute fire. My only escape was a daydream that a dinosaur would come and chomp my shoulder that was on fire off. Then I could be free. Free of the fire. Free of pain.

My personal hell kept me awake when I needed to sleep, awakened me constantly with tears and searing pain, and absolutely ruled my life at that time. People offered me many kinds of pills, but I did not want a pill problem, so I always declined. I lived with my pain; it is just a signal. I learned to listen to the signal through this pain and I will forever be grateful for that.

I learned to find a minute amount of peace in my torture.

The ability to be tortured as a being, is a gift of transformation.