After some time of much enjoyment with wonderful coworkers, I found my first dead person with my beloved coworker by my side. I couldn’t breathe! I couldn’t speak! Nothing helped! Everything surrounding it was awful! He was failed by every single person around him, and in the end I wonder how sad he must have felt so very alone.

I wrote down the events and my feelings and took them to a counsellor paid by my benefit plan from work. I did yoga to try and breathe through panic while she read it. I was able to get a referral to a psychologist and some paid time off of work. I got through my PTSD with her using EMDR therapy.

EMDR Therapy was kind of like a TENS therapy machine… An electronic box with 2 knobs to adjust speed of pulse and strength of pulse. Attached by 2 wires to 2 “buzzies” (vibrating egg shaped things that YOU HOLD IN YOUR HANDS, YOU SICKO) get sanitized after every use). The idea is to have a grounding physical sensation to keep you in this now moment, while also visiting traumatic events. To allow your brain to learn to move through the PTSD.

It was so interesting to me to go through the treatment with her, as I have a vast knowledge of psychology because of my interest in it. It was so wonderful to have someone in my life who understood where I was coming from, as that is quite rare in my life… To truly feel understood.

I was also able to instill positive thoughts and feelings using the concept of EMDR on my own without the machine. A simple technique called tapping: crossing arms, tap alternate arms while repeating positive things (ie: I am a strong and capable person). She emphasized not to do this with anything negative like we do with the buzzies, only positive things while tapping.

I was off work for many months before I was able to go to work without panic attacks. But I made it back, and was living my best sober life there, with that story as a chapter on my bookshelf I could pull down and look at, then carefully put back. Allow it to be a part of my history. In the past. Haunting me just enough to drive my future decisions.